Christmas Cards or Charity? - an alternative view.

I am starting to see posts on Facebook and get messages from friends saying they are not sending Christmas cards this year. They, like many object to the cost of cards, feel perhaps it is a waste of time, money and effort and that the money is better given to charity. Very commendable!

Each time I see this I also notice the charities they are giving the Christmas card money to - usually big companies and very frequently cancer awareness, research, other huge disease or disability corporations, Macmillan or hospices. Great!

However, I would like to offer an alternative view. Some of these big companies are given so much money in legacies each year they never actually need any more. While it is admirable to give money to those who do cancer or other disease research, prevent illness or look after the terminally ill - what about those left behind? Noah's Ark - a charity in Worcester which offers counselling for children who have had parents die to help them understand and cope with their loss - has had to close recently due to lack of funding.

Likewise, surely we want life to be good for everyone - but homeless shelters close all the time because there is no money or support, leaving vulnerable children on the streets. Children's homes are obliged to have their teenagers leave them and attempt to become independent at 16 years old because they cannot get the funding to keep them until they are mature and able to care sufficiently for themselves. Many end up homeless, self-harming or committing suicide, in trouble with the police or in prison - the only place they can find safety and security.

... and individually - What about the people you usually send cards to - or might send to if you sent cards? How many are elderly, recently suffered loss or bereavement, moved away - and already feel isolated and alone and really might just be grateful to find they have been remembered - if only once a year. How many really might notice the loss of your card and evidence of both your thoughts and the feeling that they might deserve the thoughts of others.

I'm not saying don't give money to charity by any means. But I would like you to think of the smaller guys who desperately need your help and the individuals whose spirits are raised at Christmas having been remembered by you.

- Counselling Suicide Risk Online

Ok - not a cheery thought for the run up to Christmas but it is a time when people can find things really getting too much for them and unable to face this time alone, with too little money or a host of other reasons that might make the seriously drastic step of wanting to take your own life, as a means of making all the pain go away, a reality.

But what help is there? The Samaritans are a volunteer organisation for the UK and Ireland who are available 24 hours a day with confidential listeners working by telephone, text or online.

jo@samaritans.org

Outside this area it is worth contacting www.befrienders.org.

Samaritans say their phones ring every 5 seconds - so there are a lot of people in desperate circumstances who need help.

However, what about private counselling? If a client in a face to face session said they have suicidal feelings, as a counsellor you would allow them to express those feelings and support them in whatever way was appropriate. Many counsellors take details of GPs and next of kin for precisely this scenario and include in their contract the fact that this is something they will be unable to keep confidential as, morally (if not legally) they feel the need to intervene.

So what is different about working with clients online? Many websites for online counsellors will state that they cannot or will not work with clients who have thoughts of suicide. That's fine of course, we are ethically obliged to work within our level of competency. But just a couple of thoughts occur to me.

Firstly the Samaritans, while trained listeners and part of a large organisation - and truly admirable, are not qualified counsellors with degrees and extra professional development under their belts.

Secondly, why is it different to listen to someone face to face express these thoughts and feelings to hearing the same things online? In neither case are you going to immediately rush out to 'save' your client, which would be undermining them and their personal choice and control, but in both would seek to hear what they had to say, support and probably find extra support for when they were no longer talking to you. (My next blog will address assessing and responding to suicide risk)

But my main point is that, by saying you will not take a client who expresses suicidal feelings (worse - what if they are already a client? - Are you going to leave them with feelings of abandonment as you refer them rapidly to someone else?) you are denying them the opportunity to speak truthfully and from the heart. You are keeping a barrier between you that they are unable to cross if they wish to work with you.

How many of us, at any point in our lives, has not thought - 'it would be just so much easier, less painful if .... Or 'I just can't do this any more - there is no point, no hope .....'?

Then what if you came up against someone you really wanted to talk to, to help you, and they referred you elsewhere because 'they didn't work with suicide'. Is it really suicide? Is it just someone needing to say the words, try it out, see if it is a reality for themselves? Or just ask you for help.

As the BACP information sheet P7 (Reeves and Seber, 2010) points out - there is not only no evidence that asking a client if they have suicidal thoughts will put the idea into their heads, but there is a great deal of evidence to say that allowing a client the opportunity - allowing them permission and the space - to express these thoughts and feelings is an honest and respectful way of helping them to keep themselves safe. Many people feel suicidal but have no intention of acting on those feelings. However, allowing yourself to be with them in their despair in the moment allows them to reflect further on the meaning of their feelings and take control for themselves.

There is also plenty of evidence to suggest that the possible anonymity of Online Counselling allows the client to say things they would not usually say - and certainly not face to face. This is precisely then the time that, when a relationship has started to develop, the subject of suicidal thoughts might come up - and we have to be prepared to deal with that and be the empathic, honest and non judgemental ear they need us to be.

Being an Online Counselling student

Well - it's nearly over! This time last year I was looking at an advert for online training for counsellors and this year I've successfully finished the general certificate and and will (hopefully) have completed all the diploma work by Christmas.

What a year! I've made new friends from peers online, I have a support network and supervision group. I have experience of transferring my counselling skills from a face to face to an online environment - firstly safely in role play then with volunteers who know we are qualified and experienced counsellors but are increasing our skill base by learning to work effectively and ethically online.

I can hardly even start to explain how much I have learned in the last 11 months. From being a technophobe who ran to my husband every time something went wrong with my computer I now know how to encrypt Word documents to make sure all work is confidential. I have researched other sites to find out what works and what does not from a professional and marketing standpoint. I know how to attach links, use Twitter and Facebook for business, blog !!!

I did a talk for others a couple of weeks ago and my husband could not believe I knew so much - he wants me to set up social media marketing for him now because he does not know where to start.

I have learned how to use the core conditions - and show those in an environment where my client cannot see me, and to gently question for clarity where I cannot see my client, and many other ways of communicating where there is no visual contact beyond the written word. I have learned how effective transference can be online - and also its pitfalls! I have extended my use of creative working for therapy in narrative and creative ways and look forward to the end of year party as an avatar in second life.

I have met some of the people I have worked with over the last year online - and what fun it was putting faces and personalities to people I 'knew'. It was so strange, but shows how effectively you can get to know someone you have never seen, that in a room I could guess who people were before we were introduced. More strange, in London 4 of us met up - each coming from different places - and relying on the fact that we would be in the general area. We all found each other - we just knew the person we were looking at was the person we had talked to and shared so much with online.

And what next? I've been offered a job on the team to start training other counsellors to work online from January - and it is SO exciting! This, I believe, really is the future.

Counselling online really does work. It is convenient and accessible for clients, wherever they are in the world - every moment really is an opportunity for change! It allows the counsellor to have a family life. Clients SAY it works - that they have been heard and met with genuine warmth and understanding. When it is used as an extension to existing counselling training and experience it is a truly valuable resource to have, offers CPD and ensures practice remains safe, secure, ethical and effective.

Liane

www.onlinetrainingforcounsellors.co.uk

Assume Goodwill.

Children learn what they live by.

This is the full version of a poem I have had in my purse since my son was born 21 years ago. I believed it then and I certainly, having tried to live by it, believe it now.

Treat children as you would want to be treated and model the behaviour that you want from them.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Welcome to Holland

I was reading something completely different this morning (which I may well put here at some point) but it reminded me of this.

I was given this piece of writing by a friend (and I really wish I could remember who it was) soon after my son was diagnosed with Autism 18 years ago.

At the time it made me cry and gave me hope. For anyone else living with a child with a disability - and also those who now have children who have grown into adults with a disability, so have all that experience - this is for you.

Welcome To Holland

by
Emily Perl Kingsley


I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

* * *©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved.

ASPIE launch - embracing diversity Pt 1.

Well the launch day was great! About 30 - 40 people turned up to Rutland House on the Tything in Worcester yesterday. The rooms were open between 1 and 9pm with ASPIE organisers - especially well organised by Julia and Sarah - working their socks off to make sure people were shown around, completed questionnaires, ate plenty of the mound of Marks and Spencer sandwiches and cakes and generally made to feel very welcome. John sat on the door to make sure anyone hanging around looking vague outside knew where to come into and did a fabulous job of making everyone welcome.

Julia and Sarah must have spoken at length to every single person who came in - there was absolutely no way that anyone was going to feel out of place or uncomfortable here! Bill - well Bill was just Bill - probably the most calm, likeable and approachable man anywhere (is it because he is a psychologist or is it because he's Aussie? - or both!) Michael, Mike, Linda, Jon, David, Glen and Liane (Sam chickened out - sorry - had an assignment to complete (actually he really did have an assignment to complete pretty quickly and thoroughly)) also popped in, out and hung around to talk to as many people as possible and try to find out just what they would like from a social support group for adults with Asperger's Syndrome and Higher Functioning Autism.

People with Asperger Syndrome turned up either alone or with parents/facilitators in tow to have their say on this new project to make sure as many people as possible get what they need, professionals and councillors came to find out what it was all about, support workers looked in and Jenny from Make Time Friendship Group arrived to talk to us about her valuable experiences in setting up a support and social group for people who are lonely and alone.

The questionnaires elicited some useful information about what Aspies wanted - whether it was confidence building, learning social skills, assertiveness training or just having a safe place to 'hang out' and not have to 'pretend to be normal'.

What was particularly noticeable with the number of people who came for a chat was the general diversity between people known, and not yet known (!), to have AS, and the calm acceptance and appreciation of everyone, of each other, who walked through the door.

And a joke I must share from Phil - who doesn't have OCD but CDO - because it has to be in alphabetical order :-) .... Perhaps you have to be an Aspie!

So ... ASPIE is open every Wednesday for adults with AS. Look forward to meeting you there!

Finding a Counsellor Pt 3 The first appointment

The Process.

Often your first appointment will be considered to be an assessment (for both of you) and will not be charged for. This is the time you get to decide if this particular counsellor or form of counselling is for you. Counselling is an extremely personal experience. If you don’t feel comfortable then you do not need to book a second appointment and it will have given you an idea at least of what does and doesn’t work for you. Some counsellors, especially those who work online and so need to be paid before counselling begins, will offer discounts for block booking appointments, working with you to determine how many will be best for you at any one time. Usually counselling will be weekly for a counselling hour (50 minutes!) so there is consistency, and will be planned for blocks of between 4 – 8 weeks at which point there will be a review with you to determine either how to end or to continue.

The first appointment also gives you both the opportunity to reach an agreement for your counselling. This involves times, places, costs and confidentiality, but also many other issues which are best understood between you in the beginning to ensure you can have complete confidence in your counsellor and counselling and feels safe and secure in what may become a vulnerable process. All qualified counsellors follow a professional code of ethical conduct from their governing body to ensure your best interests at all times.

You will also have the opportunity to talk about what has led to counselling in the first place and what you would like to achieve from it. You might have goals already in your mind, it might all be too much or a bit vague and you just need to talk to work out where you are and where you are going. Your counselling will listen and work with you in the best ways possible to make sure you get there!

Endings are as vital a part of counselling as beginnings. They are often things we do not do well and are a struggle and stressor in life. Avoidance is not an ending and therefore is not something we learn from for the future. Learning to cope with endings and having the opportunity to experience this in counselling should be valued and made good use of. Therefore, it is important to be involved in reviews and plan endings carefully.

Good luck, find the way to be the best you can, and remember – every moment is an opportunity for change!

Finding a Counsellor

Finding a counsellor.

Be aware that the first person you speak to may still not be the counsellor for you – then again they just might be! Just be sure that they are qualified and have experience in the areas you need to reflect on and deal with. The best way to do this is to look at their qualifications and professional memberships In the UK – MBACP, MUKCP, MBPsS C Psychol. You can ensure their qualifications in counselling and psychotherapy are genuine by using the Find a Therapist listings on the professional websites or using directories, such as Counselling Directory, that only list therapists that have had their credentials professionally accredited. If they claim to have a speciality ask just what their experience is in this area. Don’t rely on a short course qualification.

It is possible to get counselling help from GPs or charity organisations such as Mind. The counsellors will be qualified and properly supervised and the counselling will be free. The down side is that there are often long waiting lists, the counselling model (explained later) may not suit you or your issues and may be of very short and infrequent duration. Be very wary of online sites that offer free counselling – they are probably unqualified, at best willing listeners, and may do more harm than good.

Telephone and online directories can give you listings and details of counsellors you can meet face to face at their office or your home or, as becoming more frequent, online through Skype, MSN or e-mail. Online counselling gives you the opportunity to stay in the comfort of your own home and have a far more flexible arrangement regarding times and access to your counsellor. Like any investment or purchase, it pays to do some research. You may find a counsellor by word of mouth or by the endorsements of others on their websites and listings. This will also give you an opportunity to find the model of counselling that will suit you best. Most counsellors will work to a basic model but will adapt and combine their methods to ensure that you get whatever is most effective for you.

All counsellors will ensure confidentiality (with some exceptions which are legally necessary), empathy and a non-judgemental approach. In addition they may offer approaches which are more directive, such as C.B.T. or solution-focussed, and which are usually of fairly short duration. The approach may be non-directive, such as longer term Psychodynamic counselling, or more creative when it is difficult to find what and how you need to say what is important to you. There are many different models and many different combinations. There will be something that works for you!

Counselling, like anything that is worthwhile, has an associated cost. All those well trained and experienced counsellors who will do their best in working with you have had years of paying for that education and training themselves, often gaining many counselling hours of experience in unpaid positions, while also trying to keep their own homes and families. They then have the cost of continual professional and personal development (yes – they have to have counselling too), supervision to ensure the work they do with you is of the highest professional standards, on-going training, professional memberships, personal insurance and maintenance of a private practice and business. If counselling is offered free (unless through NHS, charity or approved agency and funded by other grants) then these things are probably not in place.

Most counsellors will list their costs per counselling hour on their website or directory listing and it will usually be comparable with others in their geographical area and level of expertise.

Remember that your mental health and your ability to function effectively every day is as important as your physical health - they may even be very closely related.

What is Counselling and what will it do for me? Part 1

We all have times where things always seem to be problems and difficulties, times when we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, and yes, often we bide those times and see it through to the other end. Sometimes, though, we feel we are so bogged down with more and more things that we think we have to cope with that it can eventually be a much smaller thing that is the one stressor too many and we become stuck.

This is where counselling can help.

What is counselling?

Counselling is a collaborative process between a counsellor and client to help an individual take effective control of their life. It involves talking and being listened to and really heard and understood; honesty and objectivity but never judgement or advice; and respect for the thoughts, feelings and concerns that are important to you. It offers the opportunity to say, confidentially, things that you may not wish to say to those who are close to you, and perhaps had not even considered admitting to yourself, allowing for a new openness to future personal development and coping. It can be a bit like looking at yourself in a mirror with a fresh pair of eyes that see things differently.

A counsellor will help you, through reflection, to examine patterns of behaviour and beliefs, to prioritise and throw new perspectives on situations that help to improve your resilience to future problems and life events. You will have the opportunity to carefully consider and appreciate your current skills and strengths and learn to build on these to enhance self-esteem, confidence and coping mechanisms. – And you will never be alone.

People seek counselling for many reasons. Bereavement may leave you feeling lost, unable to cope and not wishing to burden other people with your grief; depression can feel like a black pit out of which you cannot climb, anxiety and stress may leave you unable to function effectively, daily feeling ill, traumatised and unable to juggle all life or work constantly throws at you; low self esteem may make you unwilling to socialise and seek out other people, make you feel inadequate and unable to find and follow the life that would make you happy. You may not even know what it is that brings you to counselling – there is just a need for someone else to help you.

In Part 2 tomorrow we will consider how to find the best counsellor and counselling for you.